we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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