Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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