Michael Bay diarrhea
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
