just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
