listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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