If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
