She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
