Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
