But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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