i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize