dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
