Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
