I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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