Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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