I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
