haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
