I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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