I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
