one word: firstdatebathroomanal
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize