I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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