I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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