I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
