she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
