Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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