omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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