oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
