Whod you bang
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
