dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
