last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
