My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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