you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
