Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
