Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
