Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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