I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
