He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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