So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize