I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
