Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
