Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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