All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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