if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize