You can't special order awesome
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize