at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
