They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
