I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
