You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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