you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
