the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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