He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
