Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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