the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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