you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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