i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
