Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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