Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize