I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
