I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
