Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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