New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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