nut hugger
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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