Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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