Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
