You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
