): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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