At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
