Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
