Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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