we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
