so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
