I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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